In her poem and sound design, No One Ever Deadnames a Butterfly, Emma James explores post operative experiences with Facial Feminization Surgery. The work draws on images of her environment, body and emotional landscape, during the two week period of quarantine, directly after being released from the hospital. Throughout the poem, she utilizes the transgender allegory of a butterfly in chrysalis to evoke a sense of delirium, claustrophobia, catharsis and physical transformation. In Natalee Decker’s animated visual accompaniment, she responds to the poem’s metaphors collaging abstract insect swarms, wormy cocoons, glowing roses, mesh faces, dizzy spins around a glass butterfly and colors like dripping candle wax through hazy neon light. Their collaboration is grounded in love, care and the dynamic intersections of disabled, trans and queer experience.

TRANSCRIPT:

[I’m
really happy
so

Don’t sneeze
Or blow your nose
for six weeks
because
your forehead could separate

90 Day Fiancé
Ice packs
on rotation
A handful
of psilocybin mushrooms
Tiny black boxes
filled with
CBD tabs
scattered
about the table
Cases
of La Croix
lining the wall

Stay out of the sun

Gushing over babes
with Sophia
Spooning
Lambo the dog
Laying down
on the driveway
at night

Keep your head lifted at a 15 degree angle

Pillow wedge
Pea protein powder
A pocket of fluid
collecting on
my forehead

Please don’t bend over or pick anything up

No one ever
deadnames
a butterfly
My cocoon
of bandages
Humanoid
cotton swab
Blood
clot caterpillar slugs
Blood
stains on pillow cases
Blood
drips when I smile
Who else
can
completely
devour their
body
while in chrysalis?

Tape nose so it doesn’t drift

Various moisturizers
I still can’t
feel
the clumps of hair
falling out
I’ve never felt like she could ever be me
This adult doll head
that might be mine
Devoid of tactile reciprocation
My new plastic scalp
held together with slowly eroding synthetic hairs
which seethe
under indirect water droplets

Due to Covid precautions you will have to be at the hospital alone

Marine collegen
I’m a
gasping Magikarp
at level 19
learning
how to drink
while swallowing
bundles of stitches
that come
from deep
within my sinus cavity
Time managing
this
surgical
hook
lure
spooled
with fishing line
is
all I can spreadsheet today

Don’t smoke or your facial tissue could start to die

Married at First Sight
I almost fainted
and threw up
again

Only soft foods for 2 weeks

2
different antibiotics
twice a day
2
vape pens
2
syringes and a box of alcohol wipes
2
sets of compression bandages
2
gallon water jug at arms length from the bed
2
cups equally caked with dried spirulina remnants
2
kinds of laxative stool softeners
2
packets of dissolvable Vitamin C per day
2
week supply of opiates
2
weeks of quarantine
2
high to play Animal Crossing

Keep your face wrapped as much as possible to avoid swelling

Eyebrows
unaware of where they are
Bromelain supplements
when I can remember
Facial expressions
that fall short
of relating
anything
useful
as quantum sensations
telegraph
between
the temple
and
crown
Chlorhexidine
when my mouth tastes like wound
Confessing
deep affections
to my crush
Interspecies Reviewers
Dates
on
Zoom

Don’t even think about going in a hot tub

Naked and Afraid
Ice cream meals
An unrelenting placid delirium
Waking up at odd hours
Falling
down the stairs
at
three in the morning
with the glow
of
Candy Crush
illuminating the room

Don’t wear your glasses for a while because they’ll leave permanent indentations

Touching this face
is like
touching
a warm bag
of raw chicken cutlets
A warm center of
purple bruises
that fade
Into
a burnt yellow sunset

I’m
really so
happy]